Arrgh 2016 is so old school! So last year! I will still write about it though 🙂
Those who know me know that I am often my own worst critic and enemy. I rarely notice the good in me. As it is a new year which comes with fresh resolutions and all that, I will spend my first blog celebrating the things I started doing well in 2016.
I became intentional about my healing
For a long time a lot of my energy and focus was towards survival. Moving from day to day alive. Whether it was through finding ways of burying the pain through excessive use of sleeping tablets and sleeping my life away. Or through healthier ways, like bawling my eyes out sitting in front of my doctor or therapist for hours on end not knowing how to stop the pain. Or through sprawling on my friend’s bedroom floor tightly holding on to her hands in the middle of the night screaming my lungs out in pain while her son slept in the next room and her poor husband quietly praying somewhere in the room. I did it all and some. All through this, mere survival from day to day was a mission, thinking beyond the next moment was a luxury.
However, in 2016, I realised I was tired of coping with the situation. I decided that I wanted to work towards healing – I wanted to get over this phase of my life and on to other things. Because surely there must be more to life.
My therapist recently asked me what I wanted. I said freedom. Freedom to live a life filled with joy. I long for freedom to be light and be the light. Freedom is all I want. Her answer was ‘It will get worse before it gets better’
I want freedom, freedom to live a life filled with joy.
I learned to speak out
Often there are periods where things get really hard and I spend days in pain followed by periods of depression. Then eventually it all goes away. I recover and continue with life like nothing happened. Except 2016 I didn’t seem to get any reprieve from pain and depression. Life became so hard and I could not see a way out. In summer I drowned beyond where I’d been before and the thought of suicide crossed my mind. I hadn’t thought about suicide for over a decade – and that period of my life was a veeeeery dark and scary one. I didn’t want to go back there. So it became extremely important for me to speak out in 2016.
Yes, I still struggle with fear and shame concerning speaking out, but being alive and whole is now more important to me.
So I will continue speaking out – for my sake.
I took steps towards being present and a step away from detachment
In a previous blogpost I spoke about how I detach as a coping mechanism from pain. By the age of 5 I had perfected that skill to an art. Unfortunately, when practised over a long period of time it is a very bad thing to do. In fact, in 2015 I couldn’t go through a treatment to help me get rid of flashbacks because I did a test which showed that most of my day to day life is spent in emotional detachment. In 2016, I was intentional about being present in mind, body and soul more. It is very hard but I now notice when I’ve spent too much time in detachment. I sometimes notice when I am about to detach and make a decision to either make an effort to stay present or just let go. More times than not, I still choose to detach especially when painful memories arise or I go through painful situations when I am alone. Maybe I don’t yet trust myself to handle my emotions in a healthy way by myself. But, the journey of a thousand miles starts with a step. And I’ve taken that step. Yey to me!
Going forth into 2017, I want to continue doing these things and mostly, I would like to work on shaking this shame thing.
I want to look in the mirror and boldly declare who I am without shame